Are The Rabbis Okay?

My Favorite WTF Stories from the Talmud

The Gemara is the most unique work of literature I've ever encountered. It's less a single book and more the transcribed minutes of a centuries-long conversation about Jewish law, philsophy, and everything under the sun. Imagine a Reddit thread that's been going on since the Roman Empire, where every post, comment, and flame war is meticulously recorded, debated, and then published. That's the Talmud.

It's split between two parts: You've got Halacha - discussions on the intricacies of Jewish law that can get dense and complicated - and Aggadah, which is where things get wild. Aggadah is the catch-all for the stories, legends, and bull sessions the Rabbis had on every topic imaginable, from the best way to cure an earache to a philosophical conversation about if the stars control our destiny.

Sometimes, though, you read a passage that makes you stop and think, "Are the Rabbis okay??"

Here are a few of my favorite moments that made me do a spit-take.

Beware of the Student Hiding Under the Bed

Let's start with a bang. Literally.

Rav Kahana was an important rabbi in the Talmud and his teacher, known simply as Rav, was one of the most influential figures of his generation. Our protagonist, Rav Kahana, in his infinite thirst for knowledge, decided the best way to learn from his holy teacher was to... watch him have sex.

So he hid under Rav's bed.

Cut to the bedroom. Rav is banging his wife, and things are getting spicy. They're talking, they're playing. They're getting down and dirty. Suddenly, a muffled voice from under the bed, "Hey Rav, that's inappropriate! Sex isn’t allowed to be so fun!"

Rav, understandably, jumps. "Kahana, what the hell are you doing here?? Get out!"

Unfazed, Rav Kahana replies, "This too is Torah, and I must learn it."¹

And if you think that’s a one-off, the Gemara then casually recounts how other students would spy on their teachers while they pooped to learn the "correct Torah way" to do their business. ²

Bro, maybe these rabbis deserve some privacy. Speaking of which...

The Hottest Rabbi and his Breeding Program

Rav Yochanan was hot. Like really really hot. He claimed to be the last truly beautiful person left of Jerusalem, and everyone else agreed.³

If a room was too dark, all Rav Yochanan had to do was roll up his sleeve and his glowing beautiful skin would light up the room. ⁴

The Talmud says that to get just a tiny glimpse of Rav Yochanan's beauty, you should take a silver goblet, fill it with crimson pomegranate seeds, crown it with a garland of red roses, and place it right where the sun meets the shade. That shimmering glow? A pale imitation of the real thing.⁵ He was so hot that his own colleague, Rabbi Eliezer, lay on his deathbed and wept not for his own impending death, but for the tragedy that Rav Yochanan's magnificent body would one day be buried in the dirt.⁶

So what does our gorgeous Rabbi do with all this beauty? He parks himself outside the mikvah and waits for the women to come up from their dip, (presumably in the nude,) and look at him before going home to sleep with their husbands.

His reasoning was simple: "They'll see me," he explained, "and while they're having sex with their husbands they'll think of my beauty, and they'll have beautiful children just like me!"⁷ (The idea that a mother's thoughts during conception could influence the baby was not a new one in the ancient world, just ask our forefather Yaakov and his striped sheep.)

But Rav Yochanan wasn't the only one hanging out at the baths. A certain Rav Giddel also liked to sit there, shouting instructions at the dunking women: "Do it this way! Yes, now do it that way!"

When asked if he wasn't worried about the yetzer hara (the evil inclination), he coolly replied, "Yetzer hara? What Yetzer hara? To me, these women are like a flock of white geese." ⁸

And speaking of geese...

The Wild Dreams of the Rabbis

The Talmud dedicates pages to dream interpretation. Dreaming of an olive means your business will flourish. A goat signifies a blessed year. An elephant is good for business, but only if it's wearing a saddle. If it's not then you're screwed.⁹

Then the Gemara gets weird.

Dreamed of sex with a young betrothed woman? You will attain Torah. With a married woman? You're destined for heaven. With your sister? You'll gain great wisdom. With your own mother? You will achieve understanding.¹⁰ With my mother? Stop it, you pervert.

But what, the Gemara asks, if you dream you had sex with a goose?

Simple: You will become a great Rosh Yeshiva (the head of a Talmudic academy).

"That checks out," says Rav Ashi, one of the redactors of the Talmud himself. "I dreamed I had sex with a goose, and I rose to greatness!"¹¹

The Fat Rabbis and Their Enormous Dongs

Some of the rabbis were fatter than yo' mama. Way fatter.

Take Rav Papa, who was so heavy he could break any bench he sat on.¹² Or Rabbi Yishmael and Rabbi Eliezer, who were so gigantic that when their bellies met, you could walk two oxen through the gap underneath.¹³

The Gemara, ever practical, asks the obvious question: How did these enormous men even have sex with their wives? How could they get past their own bellies?

The Gemara's answer is simple and definitive: Their dicks were gigantic.

How big, you ask? Well, the Gemara wishes you to know the answer in excruciating detail.

Rabbi Yishmael's was the size of a three-gallon jug. Rav Papa's was comparable to the large baskets of Harpanya. Even the beautiful Rav Yochanan was packing a member the size of a six-liter jug.¹⁴

That's some real BDE right there, and I don't mean Baruch Dayan Emes.

A DIY Guide to Seeing Demons

According to the Sages, demons are everywhere; and they're annoying as hell. New clothes wearing out too fast? Demons. Knees aching? Demons. That stuffy, oppressive feeling in a crowded room? Definitely demons. They surround us and outnumber us, a thousand to our left and ten thousand to our right.¹⁵

Don’t believe me? Well, the gemara has a technique for seeing them yourself.

A Recipe for Seeing Demons, by The Talmud:

Super easy, only one ingredient! No carb, no fat, no sugar, no gluten, no nothing.

Ingredients:

The afterbirth of a firstborn black cat, the daughter of a firstborn female black cat.

Instructions:

1. Roast the afterbirth in a fire.

2. Grind it into a fine powder.

3. Carefully apply the powder to your eyes.

Voila! You will see demons.

A Word of Warning: You MUST seal the leftover ashes in an iron tube and stamp it with an iron seal (demons are repelled by iron). If you fail to do this, the demons will steal the ashes back and harm you. One rabbi, Rav Bibi Bar Abaye, tried this at home. He saw the demons but fumbled the cleanup, and they injured him. (Don't worry, his colleagues prayed for him and he got better.)

Don't have any female black cats handy? You can instead spread some ashes around your bed before you go to sleep. The next morning you'll see chicken footprints. And we all know, demons have chicken feet.¹⁶

So, I hope you enjoyed this small smattering of the wild, weird, and wonderful stories tucked away in the Talmud. It's an endless ocean of law, philosophy, biblical lore and of course wacky stories. And I think it's way more interesting, and human, than most people think.

If you want more, you'll have to dive into the sea of Talmud yourself. Have fun, and try not to get bitten by a demon.

1. Berakhot 62a

2. ibid

3. Bava Metzia 84a

4. Berakhot 5b

5. Bava Metzia 84a

6. Berakhot 5b

7. Berakhot 20a

8. ibid

9. Berakhot 57a

10. ibid

11. ibid

12. Bava Kama 10b

13. Bava Metzia 84a

14. ibid

15. Berakhot 6a

16. ibid